so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
