My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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