I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
