You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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