from now on my penis is your penis
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
