If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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