Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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