i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm too high and old for this...
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