I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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