i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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