You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
