oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
