if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My cat gives me a boner
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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