Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
