can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
