people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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