You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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