No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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