You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
operation have a gay friend backfired
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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