Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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