this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
