I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
