I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
