Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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