did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
