did you get engaged???
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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