everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I could fuck to npr.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
