Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
