Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
