broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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