where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
