The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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