girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Come on in and take your pants off
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