Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
