I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
