he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
