I am spending my child support on dildos
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
