Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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