No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
