Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
