I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
