remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
