I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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