She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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