morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
