Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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