It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Are my feet made of real feet?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
