I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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