why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
time to smoke my breakfast
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
