That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
