My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
