If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
