We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
